How to Love Women
9 tips from practicing psychologist Natalia Belousova on how to adore a woman. Straight to the point and based on countless domestic breakups and arguments.
Friends—creatures who are unpretentious in the emotional realm; an ordinary young man can endure a great deal for a beautiful companion who likes him and pleasure. Women are more demanding, but the same set of principles applies to them. If you’re a man and took the time to read this guide—you’re already halfway to success.
There are women with a “Jewish mother” complex. There are girls who are eternal children. There are girlish girls and men in skirts. There are department heads who can’t even make coffee. There are clinically shy models and charming plain girls whom everyone envies. There are smart, modest, sociable airheads and socialites with PhDs. You need the woman with whom you share a common understanding of social roles—yours and hers.
There’s nothing shameful about a woman making an offer like this: “You dress me and pay for the apartment, I’ll run the household and never turn you down in bed”—and you agree. There’s nothing wrong with her giving you a heads-up: “I’m set on raising kids and will quit my job, plus I need a nanny so I can get enough sleep and look presentable.” It could even be the option: “Let me sign over my aunt’s apartment to you, learn Ruby, and walk around naked—just spank me on the butt more often.” The only criterion for the acceptability of any relationship option is the consent of both parties.
The lion’s share of deep-seated domestic conflicts stems from the following: wives expected from each other something their partners weren’t prepared to give; in other words, at the start of the relationship, they simply failed to agree on what kind of shared future they would build, and relied on intuition. And intuition regarding people you haven’t known since childhood often fails. With this in mind, clarify what she is willing to give you and what she wants from you, compare this with your own desires, and draw conclusions about whether she is your destined partner or whether trouble lies ahead. Such conversations are not “bargaining,” which is condemned by romantic stereotypes, but rather normal steps on the path to building a harmonious relationship. Allah won’t hand you domestic bliss on a silver platter, but He has given you tongues and brains so that you can negotiate it.
Women concerned about gender issues worry that someone will make decisions for them, take away their right to self-determination, and force them to stand at attention—and then line them up against the wall nearby. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m referring to the useful habit of, in situations where a decision needs to be made, deciding faster than she does and offering your own suggestion. This doesn’t mean your opinion isn’t up for discussion. Women generally don’t like wimps. And even if they do, it’s mostly out of maternal instinct, and a wife exhausted by constantly having to make decisions will inevitably be tempted to throw herself into the arms of an authoritarian bobsled coach.
— Honey, let’s go out to dinner somewhere.
— Wherever you say, dear, I don’t really care; I could even eat nails after these meetings at headquarters.
— Honey, let’s go out somewhere.
— Sure, I just saw a new Ethiopian restaurant where the waiters—black guys wearing nothing but loincloths—are flipping through *Kasta*. What do you think?
I realize that constantly reporting on what you’re doing is degrading to a free person. After all, isn’t that exactly what you’re doing on Twitter? There’s some kind of ancient secret curse here: when you’re an hour late, don’t answer the phone, or don’t respond to messages for a long time—even the most level-headed, cool-headed, phlegmatic lady starts vividly imagining how you were swallowed by a snake, run over by a truck, a drunk boss beat you to death with a nutcracker, or Vera Brezhneva drove by, fell in love, and took you away from her for good in a gold Cadillac. There’s nothing you can do about it. Women get nervous; it’s in their nature. The solution is to warn her that you might have to stay late and go offline to handle some matters, even if the chances of that happening are slim.
Furthermore, if you happen to be stuck with a less-than-bright partner and can’t bring yourself to break up with her—perhaps because you’re repelled by the smell of her perfume or the scent of her lotion—you can still guide her behavior in a positive direction without hurting her feelings or provoking a sharp retort. Any well-intentioned initiative with a highly questionable outcome is best first praised, and only then, with caution, pointed out its shortcomings (initiatives, by no means, ladies). Bad example: “The whole office was laughing at me just now because of your lopsided sushi. They ordered the regular kind, swapped them for yours, and played a prank on the delivery guy—the poor guy nearly had a heart attack.” Good example: “That apple pie was really delicious—I ate the whole thing! No, no, I didn’t get bloated from being upset—I’m just easily allergic! Could you make the same one next time, but with pears? You’re so talented!”
7. Show small gestures of affection, even if you’re feeling lazy
Do you think buying flowers is a waste of money, but she loves them? Swallow your pride (women hate cheapskates) and buy her a gerbera at least once a week. It’ll cost you a hundred rubles, but it’ll give her a thousand times the joy. Get into the habit of giving small gifts for no reason, and over time, the very act of giving will bring you as much joy as receiving them brings her. Small gestures of attention also include remembering—and, more realistically, noting in your phone calendar—all the dates she considers important. The day you met, the day of your first date, the day you moved in together, the day you proposed, your wedding day, your children’s birthdays, her mother’s birthday, her dog’s birthday, her name day, and, finally, Valentine’s Day. Always have a nice gift on hand—at the very least, a gift card from a perfume chain (you do realize how much decent perfume costs, right? $80)—it’ll save you a lot of stress.
9. Make a list of things you will never do under any circumstances
This point ties in with point 1, but there are some nuances. You might think the order of things is just a minor detail not worth mentioning, but it actually affects you deeply—and vice versa. So make these personal pet peeves clear right away, justifying them however you like: childhood trauma, allergies, it makes me irritable, it makes me unhappy, the voices in my head won’t let me. And under no circumstances will I carry your purse, walk your Spitz, go shopping for clothes with you, or host joint family dinners for my parents. Why is it so important to make this clear right away and firmly? Because if you give in a few times out of politeness and then back out later, she’ll start to think you’ve fallen out of love with her. Otherwise, the fact that you love her is the cornerstone, the foundation, the core, and the basis of your relationship for her. This is something your lady should never, under any circumstances, doubt.
How to Adore Women
It might seem simple enough to love oneself, but I won’t be wrong in saying that millions of people ask the same question every day: how can I love myself? Perhaps they don’t phrase it exactly that way, or perhaps they don’t even realize it themselves, but the fact remains. But self-love is also the first step toward the formation of the Soul, without which future self-improvement is impossible.
Self-love should not be confused with selfishness. Selfishness is a state in which a person does everything only for themselves. Self-love implies taking pleasure in one’s own nature.
Often, people don’t know how to love themselves because they have low self-esteem. I’ve already discussed how to boost self-esteem. But these concepts, though they overlap, are not the same thing. REMEMBER: learning to love yourself and boosting your self-esteem are different things—don’t confuse them!
Okay, I won’t bore you with all this uninteresting theory and will move on to the practical advice on how to love yourself.
Below, I’ve listed five practical tips that, once you read them, will help you understand how to love yourself. I won’t claim they’re easy, but it’s unlikely you can achieve anything the easy way.
Who are you, why are you here, and what is your place in the world? Figure out what you like and what fills you with intense aversion. Realize what you’re striving for and what can bring you the greatest fulfillment. Set a goal for your destiny.
Back then, one simple exercise helped me. I used to be a very withdrawn person. And not just withdrawn—truly isolated. I didn’t know why I was doing things or why they were necessary. I just went with the flow, letting other people control me. It could have been anyone: from my parents to my friends. The word that best describes me is “apathic.” Even though I now realize that without that state of mind, I wouldn’t have been able to achieve much by now, but that’s a topic for another post.
This state of mind is, to put it mildly, quite unpleasant. It’s like a festering wound inside you that gnaws at your soul every day. On this earth, I began to develop a multitude of insecurities. It got to the point of absurdity: I saw myself as such a fallen person that I believed people were ashamed to be around me. Only now, from the vantage point of life experience, do I see how foolish I was back then, but at the time it seemed easily exaggerated. Just think—back then, I couldn’t even have imagined that I’d be writing a post about how to love myself.
And this exercise is, in essence, the first step toward a “new life.” It helped me quite a lot. Not only did I begin the journey toward self-awareness, but I was also able to overcome my “I don’t care” attitude.
I realize that understanding yourself isn’t easy, but anyone can give it a try, right? Especially since you won’t need any special materials for this exercise—just a pen and a piece of paper. So, divide the sheet into two parts and answer the following questions on the left side. I hope these will help you realize how to love yourself.
• What am I striving for?
• What do I do best?
• Who inspires me?
And on the right, answer these:
• Why don’t I love myself?
• What don’t I like about myself?
• What don’t people around me like about me?
• What do I struggle with the most?
• Who do I dislike the most?
I’ll admit, I couldn’t answer all ten questions on the first try. I thought about it for a long time but still couldn’t come up with a clear answer. There’s nothing wrong with not being able to fill out the entire sheet. Set it aside for the next day and repeat the exercise with a fresh mind.
For example, here’s how I would answer the first five questions:
• My name is Dmitry Sergeyevich Starkov. I’m a tall, dark-haired man with green eyes. I’m an expert in socio-economic planning for the Ministry of Defense, a former freelancer, a budding blogger, a determined person, and so on.
• I’m proud of my own principles, which I will never compromise under any circumstances or for any reason. I’m proud of my friends, who find the strength to put up with my antics. I’m proud of my body, which I train every day. I’m proud of my blog, into which I pour a lot of emotion and effort, and so on.
• I strive to improve and constantly perfect myself and society. I strive to achieve financial independence. I strive to travel, etc.
• I’m best at learning and creative activities.
• I honestly admire Richard Branson for his courage, determination, and so on.
And for the second five, I would write the following answers:
• For no particular reason, I adore myself. But before, I would have written: I don’t adore myself because I don’t know what I’m living for; I don’t realize it myself.
