How fears prevent you from being in close relationships
Do you understand that fears prevent you from being in family relationships? Where do fears come from and how do they interfere with being in family relationships?
You may not have thought much about your own fears, most likely you blame the man for his rudeness, inattention, lack of love, or easily your own unhappy fate or your parents, who gave you love and warmth, based on this you have been tormented all your life.
But in reality, only your fears prevent you from being in a family relationship; internal anxiety and fears do not allow you to receive happiness and love in a relationship.
Fears and Anxiety are often not even realized by you; they are located in the depths of your unconscious. You can only guess about their existence from some external manifestations.
Anxiety can manifest itself in excessive food consumption, alcohol abuse, increased fatigue, an enormous desire to doze, despite the fact that sleep does not bring the desired rest, increasedpleasureual thirst.
Do you understand that chronic fatigue is an indicator of internal anxiety? You get tired not from work, but from the internal tension that you experience while doing this work.
One of my clients lived with a friend in a guest marriage. The relationship between them was easily excellent, the man was very attentive to my client and apparently adored her very much. She also had quite affectionate emotions towards him, but sometimes she got tired and felt completely overwhelmed.
During the periods when she was killing time with her husband, she complained at almost any time about feeling completely overwhelmed, about desires and lack of strength to do anything.
While she was left alone, her condition changed and her vigor, strength and energy returned. True, from time to time there were periods of fatigue in the absence of my husband, and periods of vigor with him.
For a long time we could not understand the circumstances for the sharp change in her condition, until we finally established the message that such periods occur immediately after emotional relationships and the emergence of close ones with her husband.
After the end of the intimacy, a couple of days later, weakness and a period of powerlessness set in.
This was her reaction to the emerging intimacy, or rather to the impending separation. During the course of a quarrel, she began to get angry with her husband and had doubts about his need in her life, then she began to feel great. She felt good then, at a time when she was practically alone in her own emotional space.
For someone on the contrary, such a reaction may be to loneliness.
Internal anxiety quite often takes very veiled forms, such as an overly sociable person who tries to fill every 60 seconds of his life with something, workaholics who go crazy on weekends and holidays, huge fans of computer games, and also reading books, if he develops an obsessive temperament, speaks of internal anxiety.
At a time when you will not need proof from your friend of his love.
When you start looking for evidence of a man’s love for himself… That’s it! We can assume that you are entering the path of your own suffering. None of these relationships will end up working out.
You exhaust a man and, first of all, exhaust yourself. By trying to relate to yourself in everything a man does, you are already dooming yourself to suffering.
What joy is possible from a relationship if anxiety, fears, and mistrust awaken in you? They become unspoken guards, standing on the one hand to protect you, and on the other, destroying the relationship, causing you suffering and pain.
– What are you looking at me wrong now?
– Why did you look at that girl like that?
– In what tone are you speaking to me?
– Why do you allow yourself to do this?
– And for what reason, one rose, if you are greedy means to me, if you are greedy, it means you don’t adore it.
-What kind of mood is this?
– Why are you pouring out your own negativity on me?
This guard is ruthless and very impatient. For what reason does wisdom come with patience?
Where do you think patience comes from? Patience appears when you get rid of anxiety and fears, only then do you become more tolerant and patient.
You will become joyful when you receive your own inner confidence, a feeling and stability of significance and your worth.
With the advent of confidence, you will stop being tormented by endless emotions of guilt, stop asking countless questions to yourself whether you did the right thing, stop rushing between your own thirsts and what you need to do so as not to offend someone.
The sprout of confidence either grows into a huge, beautiful tree, or dries up in its youth.
A woman’s confidence depends on both her parents. The mother provides good soil for the seed, and the father helps the seed grow.
Mom lays the foundation of absolute love and acceptance, the ability to give love, which allows you to adore and accept a man with absolute love, to adore just like that.
Dad, with his own love, teaches his daughter to accept love for herself and not to doubt that she is good for love and was born to be loved.
If the seed of confidence stops growing, then weeds such as fears and anxiety begin to grow in this place.
Internal anxiety is born in young years, and you do not remember at all the circumstances of the origin of this anxiety; everything connected with this anxiety is repressed, just like horror.
Horror is distinguished from anxiety by intensity; horror is a stronger emotional reaction.
If your child is late to himself, you begin to worry where he is, but still maintain composure, then this is anxiety.
If you start to draw in your head all the nightmares that could happen to him, your heart starts beating intensely and you actually reach a state of panic, then this is horror.
Where do fears and anxiety come from – everything from childhood, when you are young your fears can sleep, but with age, with life’s problems, they worsen.
They become aggravated, but are not born again. From time to time, after the end of an event, a lady begins to feel horror of the future or worry, but the point is not in the event, but in the fact that this event fell on fertile, prepared ground.
Where do fears and anxiety come from? How do fears interfere with being in a family relationship?
Fears in most cases appear in children at a time when one of their parents is emotionally unbalanced and can explode, scream, and beat the child.
At a time when parents themselves are subject to severe anxiety and distrust of people and the world, they convey data about danger with their anxious state.
At a time when parents are emotionally absent or emotionally unstable, “I love it now, but the next day I’m not in the mood.”
The child accepts any reaction of his parents as an attitude towards himself, he does not yet realize and does not know that he is only a part of his parents’ fate and not everything that he sees or hears has a clear relation to him.
At a time when one of his parents is emotionally unstable and possibly aggressive, the small child is of course frightened by such reactions and begins to live in constant fear that if something goes wrong, he will get screwed again.
Parents may not shout and be emotionally balanced, but with their silence and ignoring they sometimes hurt just as much.
Horror of his parents or one of them settles in him and becomes his childish second.
The case of one of my clients very clearly shows how fears interfere with being in family relationships.
She is quite a successful and seemingly confident lady.
She always had troubles in relationships with partners. She had countless relationships, which ultimately brought her only suffering.
She became attached to completely unsuitable men, who were intellectually and in all respects obviously unworthy of her.
She often talked about one dream that had haunted her since childhood, in which someone was always banging on the door in the apartment where she lived with her parents, and she used one method to escape, using a rope to descend from the balcony, and this launch was always accompanied by extreme fear.
In her dreams, she was constantly being pursued, overtaken, she was always forced to flee from someone, to run away in fear of being caught or found; more often than not, her pursuers were friends.
During her national work, her dreams began to change and she no longer came down from the balcony, she was running away on the ground from the planes bombing her, her fears worsened and she remembered how in her youth she was very much afraid of war.
Now I think you also realize that she was not afraid of war, but she was filled with horror, horror of her mother, her mother was an emotionally unrestrained lady, she would lash out, scold her, call her names and often beat her.
She was very affectionately attached to her mother, and consciously she had no opportunity to fear her. It is not permissible to fear and adore at the same time.
The horror was also associated with a huge anger towards my mother, well, how can these two tendencies get along together, based on this, these emotions are repressed, giving preference to love.
A child is dependent on their mother and her love; they don’t have the luxury of expressing all their own emotions, otherwise they risk losing their mother’s love.
And that’s the most terrible thing for a child.
This same horror prevented her from having a healthy and joyful relationship with her boyfriend.
She often encountered friends prone to violence, both emotional and physical. Although she restrained their aggressive impulses with the strength of her character, this didn’t solve the root of her problem.
She constantly warned men that if he raised a hand against her, she would leave him immediately, but her unconscious mind provoked him to do so.
Her provocation served two purposes: to break off the relationship, while I was giving a warning. Otherwise, what if she were to repeat her own relationship with her mother? Her unconscious mind always associated intimacy with a nightmare—love mixed with humiliation and hatred, despite the fact that her relationship with her mother had had very tender and loving periods, and overall, her mother was very attached to her and adored her. But instability, beatings, screaming, and lack of restraint turned this relationship into a love nightmare.
She experienced the same nightmare with her partners. Moreover, even if nothing similar happened in reality, in her internal perception, the relationship was exactly that.
By provoking a man to aggression, on the one hand, she wanted to end the relationship; on the other, she needed their aggression.
Her unconscious mind feared this, but also needed it because the unconscious has this pattern of family relationships; it knows no other experience.
All her relationships with partners reproduced her childhood relationships. Naturally, she wasn’t aware of this, as the unconscious is inaccessible to consciousness.
During therapy, she became aware of the essence of her dreams about escaping through the balcony. When her mother was yelling at her and she was feeling unwell, she didn’t know where to escape from it all. In her childhood fantasies, she drew pictures of her own salvation and imagined how she would escape through the balcony.
At the time when she understood the nature of all her own fears, noticed her own entire scenario, she was shocked. She realized that all her life until the age of 40, she remained that little girl who very much adores her own mother and is extremely attached to her. This little girl does not have the ability to control her own mother’s reactions and behavior, she can only flee in fear, which is what she did in the relationship.
She was not joyful in any of her own relationships; all relationships were tormenting and full of suffering with small cheerful periods, which became less and less as the relationship developed.
Only by understanding all this, returning the picture of her own childhood, reliving the entire emotional fate of that little girl, was she able to grow up and change very much into herself.
Based on this, I speak at any moment. Such deep work requires several years; it is not permissible to free yourself from the past in a short period of time.
I gave this example with only one purpose, so that you realize how fears prevent you from being in a family relationship.
If you do not feel joyful in a relationship, if you have not yet met your own man, it is only because your fears and anxiety do not allow you to be in a family relationship.
In family relationships, your fears awaken and the best way is not to awaken them, to remain alone or to change men without settling on anyone.
Awareness of your own anxiety and fears is the first step towards your healing.
All the best to you.
With love, Irina Gavrilova Dempsey
And be the first to purchase news and interesting articles
First intimacy with a friend – how to behave
How to prepare yourself before the first
pleasurepleasurepleasurepleasureFirst
pleasurepleasurepleasurepleasureTrust is the key to success
pleasurepleasureа
For a lady it is preferable that the first
pleasurepleasureSubdued light is more appropriate than flashy lighting. Complete darkness is completely useless. “A man adores with his eyes” and admiring a woman’s body thrills him and gives him pleasure. Even if your body has no flaws and is perfection itself, you will still identify the reasons to be offended by it. But you must realize that in addition, your full belly, caressed by his lips and hands, will become attractive and desirable to him. And you will remember it with sweet sensations.
Behave naturally, don’t invent anything. There is no need to be too shy or too active. Don’t hold back your desires and your feelings – every game is visible to the male eye. Natural female behavior in bed conquers a man completely.
It’s not uncommon for awkwardness to occur – knees cracking or foreheads bumping. There is no need to pretend that nothing happened.
pleasurepleasurepleasurepleasureSimple words spoken in passion in a languid voice – “Oh, how your skin smells!” “I am pleased to stroke your shoulders” “Your charm won me over on the first date” – will become a pleasant frame for your contact.
With any intensity of desire and passion, one should not forget about safety. Using a condom is a rule that will guarantee your health. This rule will help you avoid an unpleasant aftertaste and months of treatment.
Be yourself, enjoy intimacy, show attention to the guy, demonstrate that you are capable of not only receiving, but also giving. The main thing is not to calculate
pleasurepleasureThe horror of family relationships
